A remodeled me? Quite possibly...

     I have always been one to enjoy the realness of people. Most of my friends I can trust to tell me the honest opinion of me or someone and know that they mean it. I do not trust easily because of past complications but I trust my friends to be real. Much to my dismay, over this semester one person made me realize how fake I was actually being. I will probably talk about this person often because he has changed me in a way and for that I shall thank him...but that's for another blog at another time. I am learning that I am a very complex individual and I'm not sure how to handle that. Going into my freshmen year of college, I knew who I was, what I stood for and I was strong in my beliefs. Now? My  brain cannot even comprehend which way is up! I am such a giving person yet totally selfish at the same time. I always tell the truth to my friends yet I'm finding myself telling people lies because it's what they want to hear. For example, lately I am finding out how racist the people that surround me truly are. I was lectured on how inappropriate it looked for me to stay at a "black" boy's house as late as 11p.m. The previous week I stayed at a friends house till 3 a.m! The difference? The 3 a.m guy wasn't black. I told my lecturer what she wanted to hear. "I'll spread out my circle of friends", "I'll watch what I do", etc. My mind was screaming for me to unleash my anger! Who are people to judge my actions? There is only one who can judge me and that is God. The point to that story was, I let someone degrade me. In the past, I never did that. I've always been defensive about my choices in life and never let anyone talk down to me, but now I often find myself letting people degrade me to avoid a confrontation. Less confrontation equals less time fighting and more time doing something I enjoy.
     I'm learning to live life for the moment more than I ever have before. I'm not sure why I'm changing so much, but I do enjoy it. I always spent time in the past worrying over the future and planning every step I took. While this may not be the worst of ideas, it is if that's all you do. I used to be always busy busy busy, and that's how I lived. I thought I was happiest when busy. While it does amuse me for a while, it also tires me out of life. Being so busy doesn't give a person time to live and enjoy! I love spur of the moment things and surprises now. From actually taking time to enjoy a day I anger less, my face is breaking out constantly, and I'm actually fun to be around. Also, in this remodeled me, I have learned how to really love someone. I thought I knew but no I didn't. Even though things didn't work out I know this person will stay in my heart for a long time if not always. I even learned how to love my friends more, and they know I would do anything for them (maybe not kill someone but I would at least be an accomplice). I learned who my true friends were and who was there just because. I just feel more connected to the world then ever before. I feel better connected to people, places, and I even feel more connected to my computer! I'm learning how to try new things and be different.
      Even though all of me has changed, I still feel like that ordinary girl who's out to change the world. I know, I won't be able to accomplish everything in life, but I'm not going to let people's judgment on me change who or how I am. I live for me and for God, and everybody else can deal with it I guess. I'm not the girl who let people take advantage of her generosity and kindness. I'm still way too giving and I probably will have some slips along the way but failure is always a part of success. This time I'm changing for me. I haven't dropped pant sizes to get attention, I did it because it makes me feel good.  I had no plans on getting emotionally involved with anyone but the whole rush and excitement of it made me feel elated. I can understand making goals in life, but not plans because of how everything can turn around and change in a day. I'm not going to worry about what others want for me. I see how they live worrying about whether or not someone likes or approves of them and they are miserable! If this comes back and bites me in the tail, oh well because quite frankly, I am tired of living my life according to others. Love me for who I am or hate me because I'm not. Either way it doesn't matter. This is my lesson to the world today. Live large! (and no it's not a fat joke!)